The Back Table

Did you ever go to a public pool or attend a pool party and not see at least one kid - or adult for that matter - doing a cannon ball into the water? (For those of you wondering how or why a kid would throw black, iron balls into a pool, you really should get out a little more!) The cannon ball I'm referring to is a diving technique in swimming. Unlike competitive diving techniques, however, its purpose is to maximize rather than minimize splash on water entry. Lesson 1: Leave Your World Wet The cannon ball is dreaded by the readers and sunbathers surrounding the sparkling blue abyss, but to the exerciser of it...pure joy. The bigger the splash and the louder the noise the better. Usually the award is given to the larger or should I say "bigger-boned" individuals. But on rare occasions the skinny kid triumphs with his unconventional and unorthodox style that leaves the other competitors splashes look like rain drops. If you've ever been there and seen it, you know wha...

Did you ever ride with someone who loves to hunt? I used to ride with a guy who was a big deer hunter, and every time we would come up to an open field he would start poking and twitching his head around like a chicken. He would be driving, mind you, but that didn't matter. The risk of driving into a telephone pole or another motorist would have been worth it, especially if he actually spotted one. Sometimes I would mess with him. I would spring up in my seat and get really excited and start pointing and shouting - "Over there, over there!" He would go crazy. His eyes would turn into targets, and his head would start going. And then I would point out a bird or a tree. I would say things like- "Did you see that Oak Tree? That thing really had a lot of branches, let's pull over so I can grab one and put it on my wall in my living room". I've never seen someone go from happy to sad that quickly before in all my life. His body must have went through a lot in...

What do you daydream about? When you allow your mind to pull over at a rest stop or go on a mini-vacation, what does it think about? My mind usually goes straight to Kung-Fu. Well, I don't really know if you could call it "Kung-Fu." It's kind of my own version. I call it "J-Fu." It's a mixture of all the fights and battles I've ever seen all coiled up in one. Can I tell you how exciting and awesome it is to win every fight, to produce moves that even Batman would drool over? Even now I'm tempted to go there, to save another helpless soul or to defend my family. How frequently does this happen? A lot. Most times though it happens before bed time. I imagine an intruder entering my room, and, of course, he never has time to harm us because I've already landed several elbows, a figure-four, and a double-eye poke for good measure. But it can happen anywhere at any time. I've defended myself and saved others miniature golfing, at church, Hershe...

Parallel Two: Both require a thorough investigation. Have you noticed that pretty much every food item in the grocery store has something positive marked on the packaging? It doesn't matter if the product is really good for you or not, you'll usually find either what it doesn't have or the single healthy thing it does have marked in some bright colors close to the brand name or title. You don't fall for this, do you? You don't buy the honey buns because it states that it has low sodium or the chocolate chip cookies because it contains 4 grams of protein? My personal favorite is shortening, which is another name for lard, taking shots at butter. You probably didn't realize that there was an enormous food fight going on at your local grocery store, did you? But there is. All of them are competing against each other. If you stop in one of the aisles and listen real close you might be able to hear the gossiping, backstabbing and bickering going on between them, espe...

When I was about 10, I had to sell candy bars to help raise money for the cub scouts. As I left my house to go door to door, I had an amazing idea. I would drop the candy bars near the houses and sidewalks so people wouldn't have to buy them. You know, Bob comes out to get the morning paper and discovers an extra delivery. Shirley hears a knock on her door and finds two Milky Ways on her welcome mat, "Praise God." Part of me felt that it was a good thing to do, but another part knew it wasn't right. I went with the part that thought it was good. Later that evening, we got a couple phone calls from neighbors wondering why there were candy bars scattered all over the place. Needless to say, my parents had me in a room with three chairs, a small table, and a dangling light in a matter of minutes. It didn't take long 'til I ended up confessing that I did it on purpose and not by accident like I'd originally pled. Of course, I had to pay for every one that wasn...

One day as I was sitting in a drive-thru, I noticed the driver behind me was moving her arms around like she was hitting something or someone. I quickly realized that it wasn't a someone that she was swatting at, it was a bee. What did I do? I did what anyone else would do. I nestled deeper in my seat and adjusted my rear and side view mirrors to get the best view, because I knew the entertainment was just beginning. And then it happened. She exploded out of her car in sheer terror. She was doing everything but the centipede to get the bee off her. This was a girl that didn't fit the type that would bring attention to herself in this way. But not today, not in this moment. All that image stuff was out the window. The bee was on her, and so was every eyeball in the vicinity. It was hard not to watch. After all, this isn't something you get to see every day. She actually ran across the parking lot leaving her car empty. Even the guy at the window stopped and watched the drama...

When I first started dating my wife, I would do anything not to embarrass myself. But as many of us know and have found out at least a few times in our lives, that is an impossible task. The most humiliating moment came at a movie theater soon after Nicki and I started seeing each other. We had gotten our seats and were comfortable, when I decided I would go out and get us some popcorn and a drink while the advertisements were playing. When I got back, the lights had been turned down and the movie was just getting started. Now, our seats were on the other side, so I had to walk across the front to get to them. Somehow I tripped, causing popcorn to fly in the air and land all over the people in the front row. Laughing, clapping, snorts, and cheers ensued while I speed walked to my seat. I was hoping that she didn't see or hear what happened. But with all the commotion (and only a few pieces of popcorn left in the giant bag), I knew I would have some serious explaining to do. But no...